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When nasty fundies strike….

December 17, 2009

I’ve been getting more hate mail…not worth putting on here as it’s the same sort of fundie drivel that I posted about before…but one or two in the new batch of hate messages on FB quoted that favorite chestnut ..The Bible’s book of Leviticus. They of course picked a verse and expected me to suddenly change my mind about what I’ve learned in the past 40 years on this planet and say “wow you’re right that verse in a book of collected fairy tales that’s been mistranslated from aramaic to greek to latin to english by lots of celibate guys in dresses over a period of 1000 years has suddenly made me see the light…now give me a sexy woman with big boobs”..

I don’t think so…. but lurking around on the interwebs I found this nice little list…maybe it’ll come in handy the next time someone quotes Leviticus at you. Sit back, read and enjoy !

Ok you say the Bible is the literal word of god… I have a few little queries that you can help with. Can you answer them?

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Belgians, but not to the French, as I am living in the Netherlands. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own French people?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

4. When I burn a goat on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states that he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the Police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that, even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there “degrees” of abomination?

7. Leviticus 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Leviticus 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (a classy cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Leviticus 24:10-16)? Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Leviticus 20:14)?

Absolutely amazingly I’ve not had a response to my questions and I’m soooooo disappointed… and I didn’t even mention that it about locking your women away for  days when they’re “unclean”……

8 Comments leave one →
  1. December 17, 2009 17:28

    Answer to number 7: You may approach the altar after you get lasik surgery. Until then, you’re screwed.

  2. Matthew permalink
    December 17, 2009 18:04

    1) The upkeep would bankrupt you.
    2) 39.95 + tax (USD)
    4) Yes
    5) Ask the police to do it
    6) Yes, there are degrees.
    7) See Ignacio (above)
    8) Painfully
    9) Yes
    10) It should be public.

    Where the H E double-hockey sticks is 3?

  3. December 17, 2009 18:09

    One of my favorite episodes of “The West Wing” was the one where Jed Bartlett (Martin Sheen) recited this list to a “Dr. Laura” type character who was ranting about how homosexuality was a sin.

    My father-in-law, a Baptist minister, recently had his 70th birthday party at a Red Lobster, with all the fundie family in attendance. The irony was delicious.

  4. December 17, 2009 18:11

    and the lobster too I hope !!!!!

    I saw the West Wing thing..I think someone got the text from there…I just amended it for living in the Netherlands !!!

    Thanks for commenting !

  5. January 2, 2010 21:30

    I ABSOLUTLY LOVE this post. Great Job!!!

  6. editx permalink
    January 8, 2010 21:13

    Of course I can spot the irony in the questions above 🙂 but however ironic it is, it’s also sacret to alot of people to live with their religion. I am religious but not to the extreme and I don’t live with the word of God in everything I do. What I mean to say to you is, that I think the world peace of today’s world depend very much on being tolerant to all kinds of religions, non-religions and every kind of belief or non-belief. It is all okay that you are an atheist, but maybe you should be less harsh 🙂 with people who are not atheists. To see things from the other point of view is never a bad thing instead of knocking down every meaning that interferes with your own. The last way of doing things, is the way that always leads to intolerance and war.
    Be nice, be tolerant, make love not war 🙂

  7. January 8, 2010 21:16

    Goes both ways Editz (and welcome and thanks for posting) I only have a problem with people who pontificate, preach hatred or act as a Christian in an un-christian way. Hypocrisy makes me seethe …

    A prime example of the above was posted today…. I like Christians use the term “hate the hate not the hater” (replace hate with that nasty guilt forming word Sin and you’ll see what I mean !)

    Nice Christians are always welcome here….but not trolls 🙂


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